Articles

Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

Oct 23, 2020
3 min

Don’t Blame Jeffrey Toobin for Spankin it on Zoom: He’s a Gemini and Perses and Orion were in Opposi

Crafted By: Indigo Evangeline Chrysanthemum-Leibowitz Hardeeharhar, Fellow Travelers. Let’s all laugh it up! Lawyer, Journalist, and...

Oct 14, 2020
3 min

APA Rules Shower-Fart As a Form of Self-Harm

The American Psychological Association, or APA, officially announced as of last Tuesday that “shower-farting,” the act of farting whilst...

Oct 7, 2020
2 min

How To Host The Perfect Halloween Party Even Your Grandfather with Dementia Won’t Forget

Read on to learn how to throw one HALL(oween) of a HALLOWEEN PARTY that even your GRANDDAD WITH ALZHEIMERS won't be ABLE to forget! Serve...

Sep 30, 2020
2 min

AMC Theatres Reopen Oct. 9 to Bathroom Wall Poopers’ Delight

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA - North Carolina AMC Theatres are scheduled to reopen starting on October 9th, much to the delight of their...

Sep 24, 2020
5 min

I got 25 flu shots so you don’t have to: the best flu shot deals in NC

Charlotte, NC - Target and Publix may offer $5 and $10 gift cards when you get a flu shot, but that’s just the tip of the syringceberg. I...

Sep 16, 2020
2 min

Catholic Church Condemns Cuties; “Not Enough Little Boys”

THE HOLY PRISON CELL 35-C - Controversial Netflix film Cuties has been under fire by liberals, conservatives, basically everyone except...

Sep 9, 2020
2 min

Neighborhood Coyotes Request More Vegan Options; Accessibility Features in Your Backyard

OP ED ✤ By Joe Coyote - Just leave out a salad; I’m tired of eating your beloved pets. Let’s have some variety. Imagine having to eat...

Sep 2, 2020
2 min

First Baby Born with Gills to Survive Southern Humidity

Mobile, Alabama - In what has been described as a great, horrific, leap forward for human evolution, local boy Kyle Upshaw has been born...

Jul 6, 2020
2 min

Fauci Announces that Santa Isn’t Real; You Were the Reason for Your Parents’ Divorce

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Anthony Fauci announced that COVID-19 immunity may be finite, that Santa isn’t real and never...

Jul 5, 2020
4 min

Top Ten Summer Fashion Tips I’ve Discovered From Digging Through My Hot Cousin’s Closet and Drawers

When I was hired to do the Enquirer’s fashion section, I knew I was in over my head. I lucked out during the interview because light...

May 14, 2020
2 min

New Long John Silver’s Face Masks Swim to Rescue as Perfect COVID-19 Defense for Fast Food Fish Fans

By Alex Bradford Cobb and Melanie Lech Arrr! You looking to support your favorite fast seafood restaurant, Long John Silvers, in these...

May 11, 2020
1 min

Gerber Baby Caught Eating Pizza with a Fork and a Knife–Not a Real New Yorker? Not Even A Real BABY?

Gerber was quick to step in and assure the public it was Gerber-brand pizza. Magnolia, Gerber’s new 2020 Spokesbaby, at the scene of the...

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