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  • Alex Bradford Cobb

3 SHAMs who ROCK! ☘

'Tis the season to cause capillary contusions to all your colourblind "friends" whose evil caretakers told them they were already wearing green. But did you know St. Patrick's Day isn't just a day to celebrate passive-aggressive finger assault? It's also more than just a day to celebrate how efficiently your liver can function when your life depends on it! It's actually a day to celebrate religion or something, but since I'm going through a rebellious phase, I don't care about Religion anymore! 😎

Instead, today, we will talk about our top three choices for total SHAMS who totally ROCK! There are no runners-up: I could barely come up with three.

Ashlee Simpson

This "woman" is famous for being the younger sibling to Jessica Simpson, a "real one." Jess is the least shammy of her entire family, serving as a dramatic foil to her rambunctious younger sister. Ashlee, on the other hand, was EXPOSED!!! as a fraud during Saturday Night Live when she was incapable of appearing in a single sketch. Justin Timberlake can do it. Chance the Rapper can do it. Heck, even Donald Trump did it! How hard could it be to handle the music AND keep the show running swimmingly during a live performance? Despicable. Oh, also, she's probably had plastic surgery and is very likely a Lizard Person.

Lip Sinking

And who could forgot about her infamous Lip Sinking Incident? That's right, when she got too many lip fillers and then they deflated and her lips sank. Now, when she swims, her lips drag across the bottom of the pool. She's not even on The Simpsons. She isn't even yellow! She's white! Meaning she's the black sheep of the family.

Vince Offer

He's the ShamWow guy who's a sham, because despite his sparkling clean image, he did some time in jail for playing a bit too realistic of a game of WOW GTA6.

After he got out of prison, his representation found a more appropriate item for him to sell: the Slap Chop.

You know, you can love him or hate him, but you can't deny, he's got a great left hook(er)! And there wasn't a drop of blood in sight on the scene.

Red Herring

This guy thought he could get away with it and he spent nearly as long in hiding as the Golden State killer. Larceny, loitering, licentiousness, littering, and library fees are just one portion of his incredibly long rap sheet. The rest of it is comprised mostly of heavy ketamine abuse.

Red Herring is a bad dude. I bet you feel foolish now for making fun of Fred all those years. Turns out, he was right on the money! Luckily, we finally caught this bastard, but unfortunately, in doing so, Scooby got his first taste of human blood, so we'll see how things progress from here. Now he wants his Scooby Snax with A+ steak sauce. (Shaggy is O-, so he's in the clear.) A bloodthirsty hound whose just overcome his speech impediment? I dunno about you, but that sounds like a riraster to me. Sorry, "diaster." (Your childhood is gone.)

But don't let this unspeakable tragedy fool you — Red Herring still ROCKS! His dad has season tickets to the Atlanta Braves and sometimes I get to go.

Who do you think is a sham who also rocks? Do you find this article original? (Do NOT say that we are shams who rock. It's not a valid answer.) Leave a comment below and we will read it and quickly exhale through our noses.


Got a problem? Think we aren’t a REAL news site like the “National Enquirer,” which STOLE our name? Think we’re just some satire/comedy writers from Charlotte, NC making some JOKE of a site like a lesser-known The Onion, Clickhole, or AboveAverage? Think we don’t FACT CHECK?? Well, you thought wrong.

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