CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA - North Carolina AMC Theatres are scheduled to reopen starting on October 9th, much to the delight of their notorious former bathroom-defiling vandals.
“We’re back in business—ankle-deep,” one of the degenerates divulged. “I can’t wait to get in there and make the AMC bathroom look like a qualified disaster zone again.”
“I’ve got all kinds of special tricks up my sleeve,” his friend added. “You’re gonna need more than a mask when I’m done with the place.”
“As a proud member of AMC Watchlist, I rack up points for free movies and concessions with each defacement session. That means FREE popcorn or even chicken wings! Which I immediately turn into feces and splatter on the toilet seat.”
But it’s not just these self-described “bathroom bandits” who are thrilled that they’ll get back into the stalls. Some local patrons, like Kent S. Melwell, actually think that there’s something homey, or even nostalgic, about the vandalism. “I dunno, something just doesn’t feel right about going to the movies and the toilet paper rolls NOT being strewn across the floor,” Melwell explained. “If my door has a working lock… let’s just say, I don’t feel safe.”
“Where is the poop supposed to go if it isn’t smeared on the walls, anyway? The toilets don’t work!”
It may have to go into the toilets after all, however.
“I’m a little bit worried that all these safety protocols might interfere with my plans. Papa’s gotta keep it stinky in there,” a bandit expressed, concerned. “I consider myself something of a bathroom attendant, but I can’t hand out my signature “chocolate mints” when the bathroom’s full of five employees nauseously cleaning up my chocolate-covered popcorn.”
He continued, “if the cleaning rounds are every other hour, I might be okay, but any more than that, and I dunno… A man can only make so much poop.”
“All I know is that if AMC doesn’t go back to the way it was,” the vandal concluded, “I’m switching to Long John Silver’s.”
All the more reasons to hold it during the movie? Time will tell.
Outside of the bathrooms, AMC will be screening highly-anticipated feature films like Tenet, which you’ve already seen half of in 10-minute trailer increments, Unhinged, and The Empire Strikes Back (40th Anniversary), whose strike may, in fact, be one-upped in the nearest restroom.
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