- Melanie Lech
Catholic Church Condemns Cuties; “Not Enough Little Boys”
THE HOLY PRISON CELL 35-C - Controversial Netflix film Cuties has been under fire by liberals, conservatives, basically everyone except your chronic contrarian Facebook friends, and now, the Catholic church.
“This film is a disgrace. Sexualizing and objectifying children? That’s just not something that you do to little girls. You do it to little boys,” the now on leave of absence Father Benjamin said. “And I didn’t see any of that in the movie.”
“When we heard about Cuties, we were enthralled–had the Holy popcorn and Mike & Ike’s out and everything–until we found out this movie was about the icky kind!” Father Adams revealed.
“First they let women be altar servers, and now this? They’re taking our young boy’s jobs away!”
“Turns out this XXX movie was actually XX and we were asking ourselves, X-Why???” Cardinal Wenceslaus bemoaned.
“If we had known you could get away with this s— by just calling it a movie, we would’ve just brought a film crew to the back room and released that on Netflix! Pardon my… French.”
Local parishioner Juan Montóndeniños also criticized the French film, saying, “Stick to fries, man!!”
When condemned for their views on young boys, Archbishop O’Kean retorted, “the savior of humanity was a little boy, for His sake.”
Pope Francis could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy trying to make up for decades worth of wrongdiddling by authority figures in his religion and setting a trap with a sign that reads “Prepubescent Boys Here” and an arrow pointing underneath a box propped up by a stick to catch the last few stragglers.