top of page
Mean Bean Enquirer Logo SQ.jpg

Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Don’t Blame Jeffrey Toobin for Spankin it on Zoom: He’s a Gemini and Perses and Orion were in Opposi

Crafted By: Indigo Evangeline Chrysanthemum-Leibowitz

Hardeeharhar, Fellow Travelers. Let’s all laugh it up! Lawyer, Journalist, and Notorious Gemini Jeffrey Toobin was caught with his pants down (literally! lol, couldn’t help myself! :P) a few days ago, supposedly “pleasuring himself” in front of, or whilst viewing, his female colleagues.

Now, is that “gross?” Possibly. Is it “unprofessional?” Perhaps. (I prefer to use more positive language in order to exude a more uplifting and edifyingly radiant aura, so let’s call it… “Alternatively-Focused Professionalism.” I’m also thinking of calling it “Differently-Valued Professionalism.” Leave a comment and help me decide, lovelies!) But is it his fault he “whipped it out” and started “choking it” during a “work meeting?” Absolutely not.

There’s something I tell my disciples/followers at our energy sessions: We are One with the Universe and the Universe lives through us. Mother Gaia BREATHES through us. We are God, because everything is God. Basically, it’s okay that he spanked the Yankee at work. He’s still just as much ethereal heavenly stardust as you or I are.

Free will is an illusion. Nature is will, and will is nature. If this sixty year old man unzipped his pants, slipped his soldier through the hole in the front of his tidy-whities (let’s be honest: Toobin is a briefs man!) greased it up with Walgreens-brand hand lotion, and started beating it like it owed him money, isn’t that Nature moving through him?

I’ve been trying to remain impartial thus far, as personal biases and feelings tend to cloud the science of Astrology, but I must be honest: I too am a Gemini, and honestly… I’ve been acting out a bit. I forgot to recycle my kombucha bottle four days ago. The next day, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning for all the clothes I’ve spat up kombucha on. That stuff is gross! Yesterday, I called my ex-husband, sobbed on the phone, drove to his house, banged on the door, egged it when he wouldn’t answer, then I crapped on his front lawn. Turns out, I don’t even have an ex-husband! Shew! What a week! Am I right, my fellow brothers and sisters and whatever they call the people who somehow think they’re neither? To top it all off, I accidentally consumed an artificial sweetener today, likely dooming me to thyroid cancer. Did you know Diet Coke doesn’t use real sugar? Because I didn’t! What else are they hiding? I’ll get into that next time, though. Back on topic!

I know, I know, #MeToo, #TimesUp, etc.etc. I get it. I’m a progressive woman. I care about righting injustices and making the world a better place, but here’s what so few people are talking about. Harvey Weinstein? Taurus. Kevin Spacey? Leo. Bill Cosby? Cancer. These men were all acting out when they should’ve been acting inward. None of their signs were in opposition when they sexually harassed or assaulted their victims? Toobin the Gemini? Opposition. I don’t make the rules, people. I just read the stars, your palms, some tarot cards, and I sell shitloads of essential oils (we have “hemp” in stock now! ;P)

So, if you’re a Gemini, keep on the lookout, and maybe the lockout, as in put a lock on the outside of your pants so Nature doesn’t move through you by making you Jack it like Jeffrey (Bend it Like Beckham sequel anyone??). Remember: opposition can make you a bit testy… or teste in this case!

Goodnight, everybody!!

P.S. I’ll read your sign for $50. I accept trades, but ONLY if you’re a real estate agent or a plumber. Someone clogged my toilet (It was NOT ME!!), so I need to either get this thing flushing again, or I need to find a new place to live, STAT!


Got a problem? Think we aren’t a REAL news site like the “National Enquirer,” which STOLE our name? Think we’re just some satire/comedy writers from Charlotte, NC making some JOKE of a site like a lesser-known The Onion, Clickhole, or AboveAverage? Think we don’t FACT CHECK?? Well, you thought wrong.

Send leads to

bottom of page