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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Evil Clown Spotted in the Woods, Terrorizing People By Breathing in Public

A PATCH OF WOODS NEAR YOU - The CDC (Catch Dem Clowns) has announced a national crisis in your area. There’s a “killer clown” just outside your fence in the neighborhood woods armed with the most dangerous weapon known to man: a mouth that’s breathing openly into the outdoor air that MIGHT contain a virus.

This has residents very worried, but our sources on the ground tell us there might be more to the story.

“Hey, the whole germ thing is one thing, but it’s that breath that gets to ya! Shoowee! Yowsa! Amirite, folks?” my uncle was heard saying to a crowd of disinterested passerby.

“Yeah, I have to agree with Earl. Surely he’d be able to smell his own breath with that giant red nose,” added local scientist D Zees.

“He’s not even dancing on any steps, he’s just standing there,” remarked some random guy in a hoodie. “We truly do live in a society.”

Renowned sniffers on the scene confirmed that, even at 6 feet away, the rot was palpable. They also claim that he is the first clown on record to not have breath that smells like malt liquor.

But it wasn’t all stinks and stonks; we asked witnesses to comment on the dangers of contagion spread.

“Breath mints are like three dollars man, that’s all I’m saying,” Chief of Police Walter Ween stated.

Two have been killed so far, one with a deadly axe wound to the head.

“They said he had a SPLITTING HEADACHE!” joshed Uncle Earl.

Remember to brush your teeth this Halloween, especially after you eat all that candy!


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