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  • Melanie Lech

Fauci Announces that Santa Isn’t Real; You Were the Reason for Your Parents’ Divorce

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Anthony Fauci announced that COVID-19 immunity may be finite, that Santa isn’t real and never was, and that your parents would still be together and have a shot at happiness if you were never born.

“He can’t possibly get around the entire globe that fast,” Fauci remarked. “It’s just not possible.”

“The reason you didn’t get the presents you wanted as a child wasn’t that Santa didn’t care, it was that your parents didn’t care,” he added.

Fauci says glass not only half empty, but completely empty, and it was made by child slaves.

Right as the board moved on to celebrate potential breakthroughs in coronavirus studies, Fauci, director of the National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, went on to assert that the studies may as well have been conducted by Santa, because they were full of “foole tidings” and “sugardumb dust,” and all the Christmas magic in the world wouldn’t be able to stop the reckoning that is upon us, and that “ho ho co-vid-19” could get around the world faster than Santa ever could if he was real, which he’s not.

“Even if we could manage to get the pandemic under control,” he matter-of-factly continued, “there is just no vaccine strong enough to end world hunger.”

In his closing remarks, Fauci asked audience members who their favorite musicians were and then informed them of all the domestic abuse cases with those musicians and concluded his speech by looking into the eyes of a crying child who had just dropped his ice cream cone on the ground and saying, “you’re going to give those ants diabetes.”

“Grouchy Fauci” was not asked for further comment because the assigned reporters just couldn’t take it.


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