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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Gerber Baby Caught Eating Pizza with a Fork and a Knife–Not a Real New Yorker? Not Even A Real BABY?

Gerber was quick to step in and assure the public it was Gerber-brand pizza.

MAgnolia the Gerber baby eating a pizza with a fork, knife, parmesan cheese, and red pepper flakes.
Magnolia, Gerber’s new 2020 Spokesbaby, at the scene of the crime.

Magnolia, Gerber’s new 2020 Spokesbaby, at the scene of the crime.

Due to a slow news day, the paparazzi stooped to following around Gerber’s newest baby, Magnolia (she’s adopted, but don’t tell anyone, she’s not ready to find out yet).

After leaving her apartment in Upper Manhattan, she was spotted toddling down East 7th Avenue towards Tony & Tina’s Deep Dish Pizzeria. Upon ordering the pie, a paparazzo caught her in the act of coughing without covering her mouth.

She dug into the pizza, fork and knife grasped in her hands, making a huge mess. Towards the end of the meal, she adorably picked up some of the tomato sauce and put it on top of her head.

After she finished eating, she grabbed a to-go box and left a very generous tip (credit where credit is due–she understands the struggle of the service industry).

Then, our magnanimous Magnolia shattered the guidelines of social distancing by hitching a ride back to her house in the arms of a young woman while also getting cleaned up by a baby buttwipe she no doubt was hoarding.

Is this the sort of future we want as Americans? What sort of an example is she setting for the 6-month and under crowd? I hope my daughter doesn’t aspire to behave in this manner when she reaches her one-year birthday on March 22nd, 2023.


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