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  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Gruesome: July 4th BBQ Explosion; Baked Beans Suspect


A man holds a sparkler and clutches his stomach next to a flaming toilet.
The Rockets had a Red Glare, but the Real Bombs weren't Bursting in Air

In an incident that can only be described as "yucky," a July 4th barbecue descended into chaos after 150g of fiber were consumed in one sitting by a rookery of reckless revelers. Had the festivities ended there, perhaps the night would not have ended in disaster, but five bowls later and their fates were sealed. By Beans.


Although we here at the MBE are normally in favour of more bean-related stories, this one ravaged our hearts (and stomachs!), which goes against centuries of nutritional teaching revolving around beans being good for one's cardiac muscle.


"I can still...hear it...I can still...smell it..." One partygoer said, standing fifteen feet away from the active scene of the crime.

"I'll never eat another bowl of beans again," Another said between bites of perfectly safe black-eyed peas.

"If anyone lights a match within a square mile of this place, the whole tri-state area is going to space. Like in the Avengers movie. The Age of Ultron one," A third victim said, carrying a handful of fireworks towards a nearby outcropping of dry brush.


At time of publishing, we can't confirm if anyone lost any internal organs from this, although were were many a claim of "******** my guts out," but we also cannot confirm that no one lost any innards from the experience. We're calling our crack science team to get to the bottom of this, but they're busy right now making crack.

We've also heard reports that the experience, "Tore me a new one," from numerous combatants, but our butthole inspector failed the background check, so you'll just have to take their word for it. Good help can be hard to come by in this economy. We're taking resumes currently.


So if you're looking to avoid this fate, our Mean Bean Nutrition Team recommends some sort of alcohol, because no one has ever permanently destroyed a toilet after too much beer, so it's probably halal.


If you or a loved one was involved in "The Great Craptastrophe of '22," please submit your harrowing stories to enquirer@meanbeancomedy.com and we will share your tale with the world. You will not be forgotten. Your screams were not in vain.


Fin.



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