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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Melanie Lech

Halt Your 4th of July Fireworks Immediately: My Dog is Going to BARK!


A dog barks at patriotic fireworks.
Another dog going through the gates of Hell and back.

Every year, "Americans" celebrate their "freedom" and "independence" and "patriotism" by shooting colorful, artistic firebombs into the sky, even though it makes my Mr. Sampson say WOOF!


If you don't get the severity of this, let me make it perfectly clear for you: when you launch a roman candle into the sky, throwing your heads back with delight and wonder, my Mr. Sampson's whole evening is ruined because he doesn't understand the fun. Why? Because he's a CANINE. And so, he howls.


Do you have any idea how frustrating this is? I didn't get a dog to listen to BARKING all the time.


How is my 130-lb Mr. Sampson supposed to focus on protecting me from danger when you all are scaring him with these loud noises?


This has to stop.


With the power vested in me as a "the dogs make the rules in this house" kitchen-plaque-owner, I demand that all Fourth of July festivities be terminated IMMEDIATELY.


Independence Day has been celebrated for HUNDREDS of years. Mr. Sampson only has 7-12 years total on this Earth. How dare you sabotage 7-12 days out of his limited 2,556-4,383?


I haven't even gotten into thunderstorms or the mailman, and his dogxiety is through the roof. I can't control the weather or the loose cannon that is the US Parcel Delivery Service.


But I can bring a stop to one thing: Fun.

The solution is simple: cater the entire American public to the mental well-being of my dog, Mr. Sampson.


STOP with these acts of TERRORISM now!!!


Firework Alternatives

I'm not going to be so unreasonable as to leave you without suggestions for new and improved Fourth of July traditions. Try these on for size and I think we will ALL be happier every July.


Non-Roman Candles

Celebrate with something more humane, like a noise-ordinance-friendly Bath & Body Works scented candle. They come with special wick options now where the candles flicker and audibly crackle like fire! But you probably should avoid those. Dogs have very sensitive hearing and Mr. Sampson is liable to hear that and could be frightened.


These candles usually come in a variety of fragrances, even patriotic ones like warm apple pie. But dogs also have a very sensitive sense of smell, so you should be considerate of that too and opt for something unscented. A tea light would be a more ethical option. Although, if Mr. Sampson or any animals get loose, or even if any of the wildlife in the area is curious, like the squirrels or the mosquitos, an open flame is a real hazard. They should thus be prohibited.


But don't worry, there is still excitement to be had. You can purchase plastic imitation candles from a local retailer and set them up beside each other on the street and watch those instead. Nothing says "God Bless the USA" like made-in-China faux products crafted out of mystery plastics that are seeping into our groundwater.


Read a Nice Book

There's really no need for dangerous, noisy firecrackers when you have an imagination. Try reading something like The Chemistry of Fireworks, How Is a Firework Made? or Professional Homemade Cherry Bombs and Other Fireworks to ring in the holiday.


Without any disruptive, dazzling explosions erupting in the evening sky to distract you, you'll find that the night goes by just like any other.


Attend My Dog's Birthday Party

It has been three years in a row now that I've invited you to Mr. Sampson's doggie birthday bash at the Pet's Carlton in Southlake without so much as an RSVP. Enough is enough. I've had the thing catered by Ruth's Chris for canine's sake. The least you could do is send a gift for his doggie paw-llege graduation fund.


The biannual party (one on his birthday and one on his half-birthday) will feature a Milk Bone cake, matching confetti hats with ear holes and anti-flea & tick medication for all, and a bowling tournament that I will promptly shut down on account of all the loud banging of balls and pins and the balls being too heavy for my Mr. Sampson to pick up without hurting his teeth which will negatively impact his self-esteem.


The New July 4th

My demands have been made and with your help I look forward to a new world order free of weapons of mass dogstruction in which I, personally, and my dog, Mr. Samps', are more comfortable at your expense. Finally, I will be able to get back to my crafts and Mr. Sampson will be able to get back to his busy schedule of mauling neighborhood toddlers.



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