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  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Hunger down in Africa, Moms with picky kids FURIOUS!

As the 21st century progresses, and more efficient farming practices and supply chains and distribution networks are implemented, global starvation is falling at an alarming rate. Combined with the predicted abolishment of extreme poverty by 2030 due to global markets and free enterprise rapidly increasing wealth and quality of life for Terrans in the 3rd world, things are starting to look up for Africans all over “Tha Muthaland.”

But some members of the international community aren’t too excited by these underdeveloped world developments. Moms United That Hate Easy Responsible Food (in) Underdeveloped Countries (like) Kenya Eritrea & Rwanda, AKA… Uh-oh. Someone needs to tell them about that, quick! I’ll put a note to remind me to inform them of this kerfuffle somewhere safe, like in my brand-new Samsung phone, where it will be stored in an unexploded state.

Anyhow, a group of Moms with picky kids are fighting back against African agriculture and QoL increases in order to preserve their one trump card when it comes to feeding anything but chicken tenders and french fries to their bratty picky kids: “Starving kids in Africa would love to eat your Lima Beans.”

These Maverick-Mommies are waging a war for hunger, in order to get vegetables into the tummies of their snot-nosed little turds so they can sleep at night without feeling like bad parents. Local Chapter Grand Esteemed Loyal Knight Catherine Elaine MacDaniels made her impassioned plea to these selfish, mildly-less-hungry African children:

“I’ve tried telling my daughter vegetables will make her big and strong like her favourite gymnasts or ballet dancers or something, and I’ve told my son they’ll put hair on his chest, all with no avail! A guilt-trip is all I have!! You don’t understand! They don’t even like Water! WATER!!”

But some mothers are apathetic to the uncrisis going on across the pond. A Mother we found sitting on a park bench, smoking a “cigarette” while her daughter was being mugged by a pack of rabid chipmunks on the playground behind her had this to say:

“Eh, I don’t really care. I’m still telling my kid they’re starving and it’s her fault. My daughter is 6; she’s not much of an expert on foreign affairs. I don’t think they covered the food boom in her latest edition of Highlights, so I’m safe. Those broccoli florets are going down her gullet whether she likes it or not!”

She refused to give us her name, but her Tramp Stamp said, “Stanky-Ass Batch,” so we assume it’s something in that ballpark.

At time of publication, our sources informed us that America’s Dads of picky eaters are sticking to the “If you won’t eat what I cooked, you’ll eat nothing at all!” approach, with slightly better results.

Got a problem? Think we aren’t a REAL news site like the “National Enquirer,” which STOLE our name? Think we’re just some satire/comedy writers from Charlotte, NC making some JOKE of a site like a lesser-known The Onion, Clickhole, or AboveAverage? Think we don’t FACT CHECK?? Well, you thought wrong.

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