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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Melanie Lech

Man Overjoyed to Find Shrimp HEADS in Cinnamon Toast Crunch 🍤



Lifelong Honey-Flavored Oat Circles eater Cecil Clyde was shocked and delighted to find shrimp heads in his first ever box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this morning.


"I knew on-brand was s'pposed to be somethin'... but I never coulda imagined somethin' like this," he beamed. "They even chopped off the tails for me!"


"If I had a nickel for every time I cried looking into the seafood fridge at the grocery store before turning away to get ground chuck, I'd be able to get a hundred shrimp platters," Anita Shrimp said.


Others commended Clyde on his humility and gratitude.


The "shrimp-gate" incident broke national news this week when a man found alleged shrimp tails in his morning bag of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.


"Oh, poor me, I found some shrimp and caviar in my cereal, oh no, what am I going to do, oh geez, what if next time it's a salmon?" jeered Shredded-ish Wheat consumer Jamie Broque.


Former Cinnamon Toast Crunch enthusiast (and husband to the Topanga actress from Boy Meets World) Jensen Karp also voiced concerns of potential rodent excrement in the cereal.


"Wait," piped Chocolatey Clumps eater Wayde Brown, "are rat turds not supposed to be in it?"


Off-brand cereal eaters everywhere are split on the controversy.


"On one hand, I'm jealous about the free shellfish. On another, I like my rat turds hot with no milk," Waysright mused.


Karp will be DNA testing the possible shrimp tails and animal feces while Clyde plans to enjoy his shrimp heads in a tasty fettucine alfredo.



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