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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

REPORT: Economic Downturn Forcing Zoomers to Eat Store-Brand Laundry Pods

In a turn of events, Teens are finding themselves stuck in a gnarly financial position, and they’re being forced to cut back. Like most of us when forced to penny-pinch, the first thing to go is food and leisure.

“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”

“Finish your damned Pods, THEN you can have your vegetables!”

These cringey kiddies have all been banding together to start a TikTok boycott, leaving the Chinese Communisty Party panicking. Our Enquirer IntelTM guy, Richard Fakename Gibroni, who is undercover in the Middle Kingdom as we speak (Hi, Rick!), tells us the Chinese are planning to ramp up their Laundry Pod production to boost supply and lower price in order to get those twerps back on TikTok where they belong!

(Apparently they’re stretching out their supply with a secret ingredient: Lead! Lead: It’s good enough for the Romans!)

这个很好吃! 谢谢妈妈! 我爱你万年!

One group unaffected by the price of Tide Pods is the Millennials, because WE NEVER ATE TIDE PODS!!! I’m literally in my twenties. I graduated college before teens started munching on soap; it wasn’t Millennials pulling this crap. The only time we ate soap was when we said filthy language, and since I was always a good lil’ boy, that never happened.

In conclusion, find out if your Teen is eating off-brand Tide Pods, and teach his ass how to use some gosh-darned coupons so he can get name-brand. No one deserves to be stuck eating Equate or Great Value Laundry Pods. This is America!!


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