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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Senate Offers Choice of Lump Sum Stimulus or $10 Annuity for the Next 140 Years



The Lump Sum is only payable in Dave & Buster’s tokens.


Think of what you can do with an extra TEN DOLLARS each year. Well, actually, after taxes, it’s only $6.

  • $6 would get you a five-dollar foot-long in 2010.

  • $6 could get you 6 McDoubles in 2008.

  • And it can get you one Wendy’s 4for$4 in 2022.

“I feel like I just won the ($1 scratch-off) lottery!” some guy with a Party City-brand monocle in his eye said.


“I can’t wait to go spend all these tokens!! Too bad Dave & Buster’s is out of business,” DDR high score-holder “ASS” moped. “I hope Celebration Station will take them before they go under next week.”


“I was about to jump off of the 37th floor of my office building, but then I heard the stimulus bill finally passed!” Skip Offdabillding exclaimed.


“I was about to jump off of the 37th floor of my office building, but then I heard the stimulus bill finally passed!” -SKIP OFFDABILLDING

Upon further clarification, he returned into the building for some reason. It’s a Saturday!


The $10 annuity option does not adjust for inflation and cannot be transferred to any of your progeny, so stock up on some vitamins, bud.


It also prevents you from collecting social security when you turn 65, so you’re legally unable to retire because it counts as income.


There’s fine print in either choice where you are signing up for the US Merchant Marine Reserves either way.



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