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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

Sid Masterson-Lebowitz


Sid graduated with the highest of marks. The marks have been at the top of the scalp since birth, so they’re not so much of an achievement as they are an oddity. As for where said marks come from, some say they’re a marking from the gods, denoting baby Sid to be either a demon in human form, or an angel. It really all depends on who you ask. The Abrahamic religions usually err towards “angel,” although certain Shiite sects, Messianic Jews, and Episcopalians have gone on record as saying the marks have a uniquely “devilish” colour to them. Shintoism and Taoism both teach that these marks are demonic markings, but that that’s ultimately irrelevant, as Sid is the master of who Sid will be. I think there’s a lesson there for all of us, about demon markings on heads. Generally, the Buddhists and Hindus both completely agree his markings are likely a Hyperfluid mix between both, but that they’re ultimately immaterial to the world due to their concrete, physical nature, however, they’re both hell-bent on arguing the same thing endlessly. The atheists were not asked because they’re annoying.


So anyhow, these markings are why we hired Sid. The colourful splotches were like a Rorschach Test on Sid’s bald head for us, and we saw in that test a future where we might find happiness. We hired Sid as an unpaid intern, head writer, and CFO that day. Sid is also an avid Mets can and his favourite food is egg salad.


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