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  • Alex Bradford Cobb

This Cardi Gras, Everyone’s Blacking Out! Okuuurr!!

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA — It’s time for some Wet Ass Phenobarbital!

Celebrate your holiday to the max with skimpy costumes, colorful masks, and a drink (or six)! But be on the lookout for the Big Bad Cardi B—legends say that whether you’re naughty or nice, she’ll slip a mickey into them, sneak onto your chimney with some uninvited friends, steal your money, and parade it on Instagram to her adoring preteen fans.

You may be worried, but if you find this has happened to you, do NOT got upset or confide in anyone. Talk about a buzzkill! The proper response to being drugged, raped, and robbed by Cardi B is to say, “YAAASSS QWUEEEN!!!” and snap your fingers into a Z shape or an S shape, depending on which hand is your dominant one.

Besides, it’s not that big of a deal anyway. Local victim oppressor Mel Lee Tutes admitted, “it was nothing compared to Farti Gras.”

Further, Cardi’s B’s entourage insists that Tutes was asking for it by having more money in his wallet than her. And she’s rich now! So who cares?

So grab your friends and your beads—you never know where they’ll end up!—and have a Cardi Gras you’ll forget!

Cardi Gras is not related to Cosby Gras.

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