Throw All Your Turduckens Out NOW!!!
Local Chinese Scientist w/o Criminal Record Invents New Edible Bird Hybrids for Cheaper than Brand A.
Sponsored Op-Ed by Devon Mason Rothschild
I used to be just like you.
I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat.
Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED.
How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater.
It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month.
Something HAD to change.
So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.
First, I started a huge business in just three days using a spare $10 million and attending a Skillshare course (more on that later!), hired the greatest marketing team on the globe, and employed the most infamous Geneva Convention-defying scientists and engineers the U.N. had ever sanctioned. Then, I had them create and sell these life-changing Bird/Food Hybrids directly to you using our convenient and fair Marketing at Multiple Levels for direct sales straight to the customer. Lastly, I started writing this article.
Let’s go over some of our best-sellers:
This one is simple. Take your ordinary, boring, “physically realistic” TurDucKen and flip it inside out! Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, “But Mr. Rothschild, how will you fit a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken?” First, Mr. Rothschild is my father. Call me Devon. Second, when I said “Inside Out,” I wasn’t kidding! By contorting and manipulating the bird carcasses, we’ve discovered that an inside-out turkey does fit inside a duck, and an inside-out duck does fit inside a chicken, so we just invert these bird-bodies and shove ’em up the poop-chute, just like Pa used to do his TurDucKens back during the dark days.
Hungry? Three normal birds stuffed inside each other not enough to fill your bottomless gorge of a mouthhole? Turn that shit up to 11 and try three BADASS birds stuffed inside each other instead! A Cassowary shoved up the butt of an Emu shoved up the butt of an Ostrich: The Big Three. The heavy-hitters of the bird world. Fire up those garages you converted into ovens and prepare for a month-long brine, a two-week slowcook, and a four-day rotisserie regimen, all culminating in over FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS of chunky meat, gooey viscera, and moist, oozing bonemeal. You won’t regret this purchase, either–we only source from the most sustainable of poachers, so you can rest easy knowing your 350,000 calories of Big Bird were illegally harvested in the safest and humanest of ways. We also offer stuffing the Cassowary with a Rhea and a Kiwi to really fill out the rest of the Ratite group.
Muslims and Jews, WAIT!!! No Pork in these piglets! Our Halal-certified, Kosher-certified PigPigPigeons circumvent traditional pig recipes by using 100% Passenger Pigeon! Thanks to the nonstop work of our crack team of scientists in reintroducing formerly extinct animals, we’ve brought back the Passenger Pigeon from beyond the grave, plucking them down out of bird heaven and resuscitating them with the help of modern medical science and some magic. Of course, now that we’ve achieved such greatness, all that’s left is to shove three of them up inside of each other and roast them on a spit for 2-3 hours, depending on the recipe. Our head researcher is working on working in a dodo to the mix, as well as reviving a Moa and adding it outside the Ostrich mentioned previously. Big things happening in the field of bringing back extinct animals and forcing them up in each other’s butts! Are Dinosaurs next??? (Yes!)
You’re supposed to be eating turkey, but you wanted steak, so what is a guy like you supposed to do? Eat some fruity bird meat that probably came from some pervert like “Butterball” just so you don’t cause a “scene” at family Thanksgiving and make your wussy wife cry about how you always ruin things with your crippling Beef Addiction? I don’t think so! You’re a MAN! You need M E A T! Birds aren’t meat, they’re Birds! You need BurSteaKen! It’s a giant decoy turkey made out of hamburger–but don’t worry! Our top sneaky scientists have made it look EXACTLY like a real vile TurDucKen outer layer. Inside of that, you get 6-7lbs of Raw Steak to satisfy any Beef Enthusiast. Finally, inside of that, we’ve put a broken dish of steak sauce! Yum! Why is it broken? Because if we used an intact one, we’d have to name it a BurSteaTact, which sounds so stupid I bet you regret ever asking.
Tryptophan in the turkey making you sleepy? (Or probably not, cuz that’s a MYTH!!) Wanna be even sleepier? Try the new TurKetCloKen, with a Chicken stuffed inside Chloroform, stuffed inside Ketamine, stuffed inside a delicious, Butterball Turkey, raised without hormones or antibiotics with the rest of our birds and abominable creations in the northern region of Ukraine near Belarus, just outside of beautiful Pripyat. We also offer different drugs in the medley, like Phencyclidine, diacetylmorphine, dimethyltryptamine, and methylenedioxymethamphetamine, but only if you have a “Prescription” from a “Doctor” with a “Valid” “License” from an “Accredited” “University.” No faking it, you rapscallions!
Short Bio on our Lead Scientist:
Dr.* Wang DanTou (王蛋头) D.D.S., D.Sc.H., Ed.D., D.P.E., Th.D., D.F., D.Ac., O.D., graduated at the top of his class at (REDACTED), worked for three years at (REDACTED) before he started to think about bigger ideas and ask bigger questions. How much could he get if he sold a human spleen? Could he get more if he could grow one and not risk the authorities finding out he stole someone else’s? Could he grow all sorts of organs for money? Could he grow an entire human? Unfortunately, the one question he didn’t ask is, “Is any of this legal?” So now, he’s here in Ukraine as our head researcher and not as a Chinese spy, helping us breathe life into and foster all sorts of creative creatures, and running a side business selling organs out back which isn’t related to our business. He does have to pay rent for his side business, in legal tender, not extra organs, since he uses our facility, along with cleaning up his organ goop off my desk each week, which HINT HINT, Wang, if you forgot to do something on the 30th of October and each Friday since, maybe tomorrow might be the time to handle it!
So, if you’re tired of being “that guy who is always eating TurDucKens” and having people mock you as “Mr. TurDucKen” and other rude names, get a lifetime subscription to our service. It’s just $1,000. We sell literally every ounce of your data to help us make more money and keep costs low, and we pass the savings on to YOU!