When I was hired to do the Enquirer’s fashion section, I knew I was in over my head. I lucked out during the interview because light blue jeans two sizes too large and ironic Walmart t-shirts about hating your sister and loving video games were luckily in vogue that season. But that season ended, and I knew I needed to do some recon.
Originally, I was planning on taking a trip to Milan for fashion week, but due to the coronavirus, a complete and total lack of budget, and my not knowing where Milan is, I decided to opt for something better. The way I see it, my hot older cousin is as beautiful as any of those skinny twigs on the runway, so I decided to bring a notepad during my weekly visit to her closet.
1. Swimsuits:
There are generally two schools of thought here. One of them is the two-piece bikini, of which my cousin has many, and the other is the one-piece, which is the one she tends to wear around me for some reason. Most of you probably haven’t seen a one-piece swimsuit since church camp, where they made the girls cover up the oh-so-irresistibly sexy tummy while still only leaving one strip of nylon saran-wrapped around the babymaker. Color options: avoid blue, because otherwise you’ll blend in with the water, and you could get hit by a boat.
2. High-Waisted Shorts:
If you’re anything like my cousin, you probably like wearing high-waisted shorts to cover up your scar from your gallbladder removal surgery, but I think it’s beautiful. If you’re worried about appearing too modest, don’t be, because they don’t have to be low-leggeds, so you can still get some cheek action going on down there.
3. Bermuda Shorts:
Bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts, bermuda shorts–there shouldn’t be anything else in your closet than bermuda shorts.
4. High-Waisted Bermuda Shorts:
Much like the Bermuda triangle, these babies can make your good, bad, and ugly disappear. Mostly recommended for if you’re trying to disguise yourself as a man, a boy, or an eel. Make sure to get these from Bermuda made out of real vole skin instead of padding the packets of those fat cats that use synthetics.
5. Bermuda Shirts:
Worried about the impending widespread shirt shortage due to the pandemic? Shirt hoarding is rampant. We’ve all done it, but now the consequences are coming back to haunt us. Worry not, because I did not get a Bachelors of Arts in Biomechanical Engineering for nothing. Follow this one weird tip to turn any pair of bermuda shorts into bermuda shirts: Cut holes into the sides of your bermuda shorts and wear them as a shirt. (Shirt sellers HATE him!)
6. Pinterest Shirt Crafts:
Whether it’s a t-shirt bag, a halter-alter attempt, or a culturally-insensitive Native American knockoff, Keysha Lebowitz has given up on more DIY projects than she’s started. (Maybe if she weren’t such a quitter, her boyfriends wouldn’t stop leaving her for having “too weird of a relationship with her family.”) So, in the interest of saving money, she can patch all of those together and make a multi-use poncho with just enough gaps to remind you of Old Glory, and then save that American Eagle gift card she got for Secret Santa last Hannukah for more bikinis and other accoutrement. I’ve already offered to accompany her to the store for an unbiased eye. The same offer goes for any big-boned ladies reading this article.
7. Long Pants and Winter Coat:
If you really want to stand out this summer, try something totally unpredictable! My cousin’s going through a bit of a rebellious phase, I think, and refusing to show any excess skin. Maybe she’s attempting to be more modest because someone has caught her eye and her heart. Either way, the most difficult road is the road less traveled, and that road is apparently three layers in 90 degree weather. Bring a water bottle.
8. Bermuda Pants:
On the bleeding edge of fashion technology, bermuda pants are a lot like regular pants, except that they conveniently extend at least half a foot past your feet. I’m not sure if my cousin got these because she’s a growing girl waiting for that last growth spurt to put her over six feet, or because she was tired of some masked ne’er-do-well snapping foot pics, but regardless, these are a great way to make a statement or eat it on the sidewalk.
9. A Halloween Mask:
How did this get here? This will cover your eyes, but won’t provide any protection from someone seeing you and attempting to kick, punch, or throw a projectile at you. But don’t worry, it can also hide a black eye. But there are other uses to it, aside from obscuring your identity. Only have enough sunscreen to cover your forehead, chin, cheeks, and the bottom of your nose? This haute eye-covering can fill in the gaps. Looking to fight crime under a secret identity? This is step one. Step two is up to you! Last but not least, it’s a great way to sneak nearly anywhere, because as we all know, if they can’t see you, you can’t see them.
10. A Fanny Pack:
If you’re like my cousin, you want this to be large enough to hold pepper spray, mace, an extendable baton, and a strobe light to set off my epilepsy, but it’s also nice to carry a yummy snack! My cousin carries peanuts around, but I’m a bit allergic to those, so pick something better, like chocolate covered almonds! I’m not allergic to those, and they’re a delicious, nutritious treat. You deserve it—don’t be afraid to eat, girl! The fanny pack was invented by Fanny Adams in the 1900s. I don’t know what she carried in there, but it obviously wasn’t pepper spray, mace, or an extendable baton.
If at first your outfit doesn’t come together, don’t worry. I tried five times to get into grad school at Barnard College. They still haven’t accepted me, but I’m going to keep sending applications in until I run out of paper. And don’t listen to those jealous sticks that tell you whatever you’re wearing isn’t working out because you don’t have the “body for it.” Because I’m here to tell you, you do, and it does.
Today’s random factoid: did you know, there is only a 1 in 5,000 chance in birth defects for a child born to cousin parents? Cause I did!