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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

We Usually Avoid Politics, But…

We cannot fight this any longer.

Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs give you cancer this week. We’re all out. They didn’t do surgery on a grape. There’s no new one weird tip to lose belly fat. We’ve rediscovered no new Ancient Chinese secrets to “center one’s soul” (which is actually based on a harmful, offensive stereotype that Ancient China existed, btw), and my eyes hurt too much from my sciatica to look up to the stars and do your whoreoscope reading (that term is… self-explanatory).

We’re sorry. We’re out of things to say. It’s time for the Mean Bean Enquirer to come out and discuss the third rail of online news outlets: politics.

Politics is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “The study, science, or art of government or power.” The company that provides power to the Mean Bean Enquirer’s cardboard box state-of-the-art office facility filled to the brim with top-of-their-field intellectual minds is Duke Power. Duke Power… is fine. We have nothing bad to say about them.

Duke Power was named after Duke University, which I have been informed by a local elementary schooler is “puke,” while other UNCCH competitors were smeared as “fake” and the “team we hate.” Duke University is also fine and we have nothing to say about them either.

Duke was founded by Marmaduke, a popular character in his eponymous comic strip. Marmaduke is a Great Dane, the tallest of all dog breeds. Dog breeding for size and wacky shapes is also fine and we have nothing to say about that.

The tallest living person until 2009 was Bao XiShun, a Chinese man who stands at 7’9″ tall. He likely has acromegaly. China is a dictatorshfine nation and we have nothing to say about them either.

Bao in Chinese means bread, amongst many other things, due to their tonal language. And that brings us to our most important factoid/issue of the night: “Scientists” have been using their power within the federal government to try to “reshape” the food pyramid to tell Americans to eat less bread! They claim carbs have made us fat, and fat hasn’t, because low-fat/high-carb diets have caused more Americans to become obese than ever. I cannot stand for this! Bread is a delicious treat! We must stand for bread!

Although… if Americans start eating less bread, that does mean more bread for me…

On second thought, I support this policy. And, I’ve hit my minimum word count for this article.

Got a problem? Think we aren’t a REAL news site like the “National Enquirer,” which STOLE our name? Think we’re just some satire/comedy writers from Charlotte, NC making some JOKE of a site like a lesser-known The Onion, Clickhole, or AboveAverage? Think we don’t FACT CHECK?? Well, you thought wrong.

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