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Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

  • Alex Bradford Cobb

Woah! There's a Guy Dressed as a Giant, Snarling Bear at this Party! Wait...

This party is AWESOME!

All my friends are here, we're becoming inebriated with many of my favourite intoxicants, and the music here is "bumpin!"

This night couldn't get any better.

There is one thing that's a bit odd, however. Some guy dressed up as a large animal of some sort.

So what? Who cares?

I care. Know why?

Because I'm worried. I'm worried about the man inside the suit. I've made the humiliating mistake of showing up to a party in a costume thinking it was a costume party. It's happened numerous times.

And it doesn't get easier.

My nephew's bris, my nephew's khitan, my nephew's circumcision (darned thing kept growing back!), my nephew's baptism (the infant kind), my nephew's other baptism (the real kind), and even my nephew's wedding! (I like my nephew--he always invites me places. He really needs to settle on one religion, though. My whole damned weekend is always booked!!)

NONE of these events said, "Not a costume party" on the invitation.

Not. A. One.

But show up dressed as a sexy meter maid and suddenly you're the bad guy!!

What I'm saying is I've been there. To be honest, I brought a superman cape in my car just in case this was a costume party because I can't ever be sure anymore! The stakes are too high!

So, I might go approach this poor, snarling, 11-foot-tall, snarling, blood-soaked, snarling, 1000-pound, snarling bear chap. What's the worst that could happen? I'm getting good vibes from the guy! It's not like he's snarling or anything!

Uh-oh! I'm hearing screaming! That can only mean one of two things. Either that ointment didn't help my perennial popliteal papules, or this bear guy might actually be eating people.

But people dressed as bears don't eat people! Unless they're cannibals!

But this invitation did strictly say no cannibals, so we're fine.

I bet it's Crazy Steve pulling another prank on us. Ha! I bet he's laughing up a storm in that big, snarling, lifelike costume!

Wait... Crazy Steve is right behind me. I can feel his breath on my neck. You can't mistake the Steve Breeze! It's part of his lovable charm. So that means...

Oh God. I should run.

There's someone else in the costume other than Crazy Steve!

Stevie's going to see that as an attempt at prankster usurpation, which means there's a prank-off afoot. I can see everyone else fleeing with terror. It's about to go down now!

Whoops, never mind. Some stupid snitch called the "Prank Police" (They call them WMAC here. Some sort of something something management and control, idk!). Aaaand they brought guns. Great. The militarised police strike again.

Well, I'm gonna split, because I've got a record from my produce-smuggling days, and I gotta get to my nephew's first post-Ordo Initiationis Christianae Adultorum Eucharist.


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