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  • Melanie Lech

OceanGate Pivots Marketing to Assisted Suicide

OceanGate Titan submersible with Canadian sticker and Assisted Suicidean edited on. Advanced photoshop meme.
After three hours of testing, the new submersible is ready to go!

In a last-ditch effort to recover from their submersible implosion snafu, OceanGate has rebranded their underwater tours from adventure travel to assisted suicide.

“Now people will think it’s a good thing,” OceanGate marketing lead Alisha Martins explained.

Martins is a staffer and digital designer behind the successful growth of Canada's MAID program.

"At first we felt really bad about a teenager being aboard the Titan vessel, but then we heard he had anxiety, and of course you all know that a life of suffering is no life at all, so ultimately, we did the humane thing."

"Being crushed by several tons per inch of water pressure in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean is a method of dying with dignity that we hadn't even conceptualized before," Dr. Hayden Rubensohn chimed in. "It really is incredible how far the medicine* has advanced."

Canada's MAID program offers 'assisted dying' to citizens - with proposed legislation to include mature minors - for medical and mental illness, like depression. (Having depression in your teens? Whaaaat???)

"In hindsight, we took them out of their misery," euthanasia enthusiast Eugene Nasia elaborated. "Untimely death is a part of life, and we're proud to make that accessible to citizens."

Vice-Chair Daphne Gilbert reasoned, "Hamish Harding was 58 years old. Crypt Keeper, much? End-of-life care starts as early as 18, at least until we get those pesky laws changed."

"I heard Shahzada Dawood had diarrhea. That qualified him for MAID also," board member Tammy Pham added.

"Come to think of it, all of the family members back on land anxiously awaiting news after we lost contact with the sub... they'd be eligible candidates as well," CEO Helen Long concluded.

"They weren't poor though, so that rules out the homeless angle," she sighed.

When the public wasn't quick to embrace the rebrand, Martins suggested adding pronouns to everyone on the OceanGate team's bios, as well as a butterfly sticker.

"That always does the trick," she winked.

*'Medicine' as a term used colloquially here. In reality, medicine is a practice used to prolong and save life, not terminate it.


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