MEAN BEAN ENQUIRER | Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

Breaking News, Broken News, and Perfectly Fine News

Jul 21, 2023

OceanGate Pivots Marketing to Assisted Suicide

“Now people will think it’s a good thing,” OceanGate marketing lead Helen Long, a force behind Canada's MAID program, explained.

Jun 13, 2023

Comics

Japanese Beans

Karate KILLS! When will the violence end? 😔 Adding on to our series of determining which beans represent which races/ethnicities.

In Memoriam: What Neville Longbottom's Forgotten

May 29, 2023

Articles

In Memoriam: What Neville Longbottom's Forgotten

It's been 32 years, and he still hasn't remembered what he's forgotten.

Actress Requests No Retouching of Bat in the Cave

May 9, 2023

Articles

Actress Requests No Retouching of Bat in the Cave

"This is the real me," she said. "Bats in the cave are natural and we shouldn't be ashamed of them."

Stinko De Mayo! Local Woman's Refrigerator Breaks

May 5, 2023

Articles

Stinko De Mayo! Local Woman's Refrigerator Breaks

On the 161st anniversary of Mexico's defeat of the French in 1862, a vengeful sabotage took place right in the heart of the Yucatán.

Due to Unfortunate Typo, Pollen Farrell Wins Most Hated Celebrity

May 4, 2023

Articles

Due to Unfortunate Typo, Pollen Farrell Wins Most Hated Celebrity

Thank you, Nasonext! In an unfortunate blunder, once-beloved Irish actor Colin Farrell's nomination for best celebrity was submitted as "Pol

If Inflation Is Real, Why Aren't My Nudes Selling for More?

Apr 22, 2023

Articles

If Inflation Is Real, Why Aren't My Nudes Selling for More?

I've been bending over backwards (literally) trying to get some high-quality tasteful smut out on this wonderful gift from Al Gore, and...

Actor on Your Friends List Stars in 3-Second Clip on HBO

Apr 6, 2023

Articles

Actor on Your Friends List Stars in 3-Second Clip on HBO

After 8 long years in the industry, thousands of dollars in acting courses and self-taping materials, and 78 rejections from the NC...

The Whale's Brendan Fraser Wins Oscar for Portrayal of Your Mom

Mar 26, 2023

Articles

The Whale's Brendan Fraser Wins Oscar for Portrayal of Your Mom

He captured her size, but not her shrill. MORE MEAN BEAN ENQUIRER ARTICLES > MEAN BEAN STRIPPED COMICS > I CAN'T READ. SHOW ME VIDEOS >

Gruesome: July 4th BBQ Explosion; Baked Beans Suspect

Jul 4, 2022

Articles

Gruesome: July 4th BBQ Explosion; Baked Beans Suspect

In an incident that can only be described as "yucky," a July 4th barbecue descended into chaos after 150g of fiber were consumed in one sitt

Halt Your 4th of July Fireworks Immediately: My Dog is Going to BARK!

Jul 4, 2022

Editorial

Halt Your 4th of July Fireworks Immediately: My Dog is Going to BARK!

STOP with these acts of TERRORISM now!!! Try these Fireworks alternatives.

Woah! There's a Guy Dressed as a Giant, Snarling Bear at this Party! Wait...

Jun 16, 2022

Articles

Woah! There's a Guy Dressed as a Giant, Snarling Bear at this Party! Wait...

This party is AWESOME! There is one thing that's a bit odd, however. Some guy dressed up as a large animal of some sort.

Got a problem? Think we aren’t a REAL news site like the “National Enquirer,” which STOLE our name? Think we’re just some satire/comedy writers from Greensboro, NC making some JOKE of a site like a lesser-known The Onion, Clickhole, or AboveAverage? Think we don’t FACT CHECK?? Well, you thought wrong.

Send leads to enquirer@meanbeancomedy.com.

PSST... HEY KID, WANNA TRY SOME BEANS?

SUBSCRIBE IF YOU DARE