In this time of reflection and gratitude, it’s important to take the chance to contemplate the important questions in life. Why did Club Penguin close down? Whatever happened to Disco (I can’t even remember it at all!)? And most importantly, which Pilgrims can I beat in a fight?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, Alex, that’s not fair! You have centuries of technology on your side! You’d be cheating!” Not so! Far from it! Understandable misunderstanding, and you can be forgiven for not understanding the rules of this simulation scenario. See, I am a man of honour, so all of these battles will be done with our bare fists, feet, and maybe a stick or two. Aside from that, nothing! That way, I’m not bringing my SKS to a Blunderbuss fight, because that’s not how Sun Tzu said you should win. Or something like that. I never read the guy, because I can’t read Chinese. Yet.
Maybe I will have the advantage of centuries of martial arts innovation on my side (No BJJ practitioners amongst The Strangers, amirite, gang?), but there’s nothing I can do about that–can’t forget what I’ve learned! I can, however, forget what I’ve never learned, which is most of the aforementioned innovations. I’m a practical man. I like solving problems with my hands. I don’t get bogged down in “technique” and “theory.” I attended the School of Hard Knocks, and I graduated in the middle quintile. They didn’t give us our actual class rankings because they didn’t want to foster an unhealthy competitive academic environment.
Anyhow, let’s get down to business.
Who I can beat up:
1. John Carver
This goober died a year after landing from a headache or something. Well, I’ve had tons of headaches, and I’m still here. And yes, I did just knock on wood. I don’t take chances. Anyhow, this goon seems weak, and all I need is a headlock and he’ll tap-out and rule me the better man.
2. William Bradford
What kind of lame, dorky, loser has the name “Bradford?” You’re named after a pear tree that doesn’t actually grow pears! Get a grip! Or, I should say, I’ll get a grip… on his throat! I’ll choke him out in fifteen seconds or so, ref calls it, I’ll kiss him on the head like MacGreggor does and then go rehydrate with 100-proof liquor, because you shouldn’t drink water back then or Montezuma will get you from downtown.
3. Squanto
The next protoyankee I would spank is actually a Native/Indigenous American! I’m not sure what the current term is in Hollyweird, but I’m writing about kicking his ass, so I don’t have to be politically correct. Every picture I see of this clown, he’s kneeling. He seems short. I’m sure he’s an agile lil’ bugger, and probably knows some mystic voodoo stuff, but that can’t beat Alex Bradford “The Porcelain Bomber” Cobb voodoo: good, old-fashioned Protestant Work Fists. Gonna have to give this one to ya boy.
4. Sir Walter Raleigh
This man needed three names just to sound like one full man. And what kind of a name is “Sir,” anyways? Anyhow, I’ve no patience for lazy lords and barons and whatsits who sit around getting fat and rich and I’m gonna slap ’em around!
5. John Smyth
This guy actually stayed in Holland, I believe. He never came on over to the free world, so he’s probably a wimp, plus, he’ll be wearing wooden shoes in this fight, and he can “dream on!” if he thinks he’s getting traction in those things! The classic, “Slip, Slap, Slop!”
6. John Smith
A wonderful American and a wonderful opponent to Communism. I really look up to this guy. Oh well, TOUGH! I’mma beat his arse! Left hook, right hook, shin kick, nuts kick (maybe!). Then, when the dust settles, this American patriot is KO’d, and yours truly is triumphant. Then, we’ll talk shop, he and I. Same cloth, we two.
7. John Rolfe
This guy married Pocahontas. That’s right, it wasn’t John Smith. That’s a LIE!! More Fake News from “Disney.” John Rolfe married her and they had SEX! (Actually, I don’t know if they did or not!) I’m a child of God, and my body is uncorrupted by the female touch and her lecherous gaze, so my virgin fists and heels will hit harder than his fornicating fists and feet. Not a chance!
8. John Wayne
Not sure which tribe this bloke is from, but people always say, “Pilgrims” when impersonating him, which makes me think he’s one of the Indians. I could be wrong, though. Anyhow, he doesn’t eat nearly enough healthy fibers, so he’s an easy guy to beat. Literally.
9. John, Just John
Just some guy picked at random from the group of Pilgrims. Believe it or not, he’s also named John. They’re all John! Anyhow, this guy can also procure a knuckle sandwich from yours truly, and I’ll deliver it express overnight shipping with insurance!
10. Virginia Dare
I don’t remember which colony she was born in, but she was a baby, and in my experience, babies are pretty easy to beat in a fight. Cake.
Who I can’t beat up:
1. Stephen Hopkins
Just like how you can’t beat up your own father or grandfather, you also can’t beat up your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather. If you’ve ever traded fisticuffs with your father, you know you don’t stand a chance. Just imagine all the power in a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather. Damn. I’d be toast!
I hope we all learned something today; I know I did. I’ll see you next week when the Enquirer strikes again with a hot new article, unless you’re out doing volunteer work with your local soup kitchen. That’s the only excuse. (And while you are there, can you tell them about our website?)